Yikes! I qualify for pensioner insurance!

There's lots of things that give away the fact that you're not quite as young as you used to be, despite what your brain fools you into believing. Even avoiding mirrors doesn't help when brands you never previously associated with suddenly identify you as 'one of their demographic'.

I was hit between the eyes with this when my wife started telling me about quotes she had obtained on car insurance from APIA (Australian Pensioners Insurance Agency). "That's great," I said, before realising she was actually obtaining a quote on my car.

For those not in the know, APIA (I prefer the acronym because of the non-reference to 'pensioner') is an insurance company that offers cover only to people over 50. I thought the small print might get me off the hook, as they only cover people who are not working full time - the theory being if you're home knitting or repairing your false teeth, you're less likely to have a car accident or have your home burgled. But alas, you can get cover if your partner is not working full time - I qualify again!

I desperately thought I could put them off by demonstrating that I had just bought a car that belied by age - sports seats, sports suspension, big diesel motor, xenon lights and even a multimedia interface for my iPod. Sadly, this only confirmed the likely onset of mid-life crisis.

I thought of other age-proofing evidence I might throw at them to push me into the exclusion zone - gym membership, cycling, listening to Green Day, knowing what LOL meant in chat rooms and I even boring people with my blog. But to APIA, all these things just smack of an older dude still vainly trying to be cool.

There is one answer - divorce. It's the only way I can see my way clear to disqualifying myself from pensionerhood, at least according to APIA's criteria. If I don't have a partner who is not working full time and I remain working full time, I'm off the hook. But APIA are smart. They know the premium I'll pay for divorce is much higher than anything they plan to charge me.

There's only one saving grace in all this - I don't yet qualify for government seniors concessions. I love the idea of pushing the retirement age out to 67. It means the government won't identify me as 'one of their demographic' any time soon.

I don't need smart marketers and ever-vigilant CRM systems to mark me as senior. I'll know when I've met that definition - dribbling will apply to my state of health rather than my limited soccer skills. That's my yardstick but, in the meantime, I'll keep fooling myself while taking full advantage of any discounts that seniority might deliver.